


totally serious 100% high effort fanfiction

by wholewheatbreddy



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:40:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23431813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wholewheatbreddy/pseuds/wholewheatbreddy
Summary: "look," brett says, voice trembling. "do what you need to do, and...leave. eddy, am i tripping? what the fuck is going on?"
Comments: 9
Kudos: 28





	totally serious 100% high effort fanfiction

"Hey," Eddy says. "What's wrong? You can't be that worried over  _ him _ , of all people, right?"

Brett bites his lip. See, this is a foreign experience -- it isn't every day that fucking  _ Ray Chen  _ barges into your messages, yelling some nonsense about  _ switching  _ and  _ top and bottom, jesus christ, have you two never fucking gone through this before? _

_ nah,  _ Brett had sent in reply. He'd deliberated over it, and decided to elaborate.  _ what the fuck are you going on about? _

_ be there at 4,  _ Ray had returned, after a series of increasingly irate keysmashes.  _ be ready to smash. _

"It's nothing," Brett mutters, scrubs a hand over his face. "Holy shit, he  _ never _ quits. He's juggling -- what, his career, his Discord server, his Strad, his collection of fangirls, his army of overpriced suits--"

"Dude." Eddy drags Brett's hood over his head, so that the soft pink fabric covers black frames and thick lenses. Brett smacks his arm in protest, but he _keeps_ _talking_ , like Brett's nothing but a tick working at the thick skin of a hippo. "He's probably just messing with you, you know. Watch him not even show up, hey -- bet he won't, he's usually late--"

The doorbell rings.

Brett checks his watch.  _ 3:57. _ He glances at Eddy--who, of course, looks equally confused. "What the fuck?"

Eddy sighs. "Okay, okay. Maybe I was wrong, he  _ did  _ show up."

"I'm not looking forward to this."

"Well, neither am I, but someone needs to get the door for our  _ very impatient soloist friend over there. _ "

Brett didn't even know it was possible for a doorbell to sound belligerent, but Ray made it sound like a war cry. With the way he was mashing it, even the piercing screech of a piccolo sounded like the sweet croonings of a siren.

"You get it."

"Nah, I'm not doing it. Go on. He texted  _ you _ , not me."

"Bro, please--"

"NAH. No way. Goodbye, I've got things to attend to."

"You can attend to my  _ ass _ , Eddy--"

"I think he has a chainsaw."

"Oh, really? And I can play in tune--"

"No," Eddy says, tremulous. "I think he really does have a chainsaw. Brett, look at the door."

-

Ray did, in fact, have a chainsaw.

-

"WHAT THE FUCK," Brett shouts. "DID YOU DO TO THE DOOR?"

"I thought you guys were being held hostage or something!" Ray waves the chainsaw in a vaguely reassuring motion. "So I took extreme measures."

"How did you--" Eddy sputters, and shakes his head, pinches the bridge of his nose. "Never mind that. Are you gonna pay for that?"

"What do you mean?" Ray asks. "Nothing's happened, as far as you're concerned."

"what?" brett groans. "you fucking--you cut down my  _ door _ , you crazy bastard, what do you mean  _ nothing's happened--" _

his words trail off midway -- because the door's somehow pristine as ever. the glass sparkles in the sun like a taunt. brett knows  _ for sure _ that only moments prior, ray had cut through his  _ very nice door _ like a maniac -- because he'd thought they'd been  _ kept hostage. _

"look," brett says, voice trembling. "do what you need to do, and...leave. eddy, am i tripping? what the  _ fuck _ is going on?"

"you," ray declares, horribly triumphant, chainsaw clattering to the floor in a buzz of blades and sawdust. brett makes an animal sound of unadulterated rage. "are now speaking in lowercase. hey, eddy, give it a try."

"What?" eddy mumbles. "Brett, what are we  _ smoking _ ?"

"... ignore him. i came here to bestow upon you the wonderful gift of  _ knowledge _ ."

"I'm scared."

"eddy,  _ please-- _ "

"NOW THEN," RAY CONTINUES, SUDDENLY OVERWHELMINGLY LOUD. "I NEED TO BESTOW UPON YOU  _ KNOWLEDGE _ ."

"Why are you shouting?" Eddy groans. "Dude, the neighbors, c'mon--"

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU," BRETT YELLS BACK. "EDDY, SPEAK UP."

"WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING," Eddy hollers. "WHY IS EVERYONE SHOUTING?"

"IT'S CALLED a tier list," Ray continues, pleasant. "See, this is how I made my choice of Smash main. Corrin is definitely top tier. Eddy picked Palutena because he hates everyone around him. And Brett, you picked Lucario, who is  _ definitely  _ BOTTOM TIER--"

"RUDE," BRETT ROARS, clears his throat, tries again. "Rude. Lucario is a beast--"

"You're a furry, Brett," Eddy says, dismissive. "I think we all knew that already."

"Lucario is a  _ beast _ , Mr.  _ I Only Play Female Fighters. _ "

"You can't even beat me,  _ Lucario _ , give me a break--"

"Not to interrupt," Ray interrupts. "But I have more...pressing matters to discuss. Yes, the craziness from earlier was...a farce. I'm here to ask you something. Something that could put your careers on the line."

It's silent for three momentous seconds. Ray clears his throat. "Do you have the  _ Animal Crossing _ edition Switch? Because I'll give you my Strad for it. Seriously."

"No," Eddy says, like the good person he is. 

"YES," Brett shouts, like a liar. "Absolutely. Throw in the DLC Fighter's Pass, and I'll give you a handmade figurine too."

"Really?"

"No."

"Oh." Ray looks disappointed for a brief moment, but perks up. "Oh yeah! One more thing. It's actually important this time, I swear."

Eddy looks like he's aged fifty years in the span of maybe 10 minutes. Nevertheless, he motions for Ray to continue. 

Lightning illuminates Ray from behind. Thunder cracks when he raises his arms. He lets out the most batshit laugh of his entire life.

Brett looks thoroughly unimpressed.

"So…" Ray says, cheery, accent suddenly American. "..."

"Speak up," Brett sighs. "Come on."

"..."

"Alright." Eddy shuffles closer. "Yeah?"

"so…"

"Yeah??"

"whoz da top….and whos the botom…."

edy jumspie 14 feet into the air and brett yells "YOU FICKING POO POO WHAT DID YOU DO YOU KILED EDDY" 

'NO I DID'NT" RAY YELS BACK "I DO'NT UNDERSTAND HE JUTS JUM🅱️ED FIFTEEN FEET INTO THE AIR"

"Fourteen, actually," Eddy mumbles, head stuck in the ceiling.

"FoURTEE🅱️," rey clairfiefs. "Okay whatrvrr my screentim is running out…….but i feel like brett is probably a tope………………....,,,,,,,"

"No Wait," Brett Sobse. "But.m..i Lobe You ray….i dont kno what the fuk is hapening…...but i love you……..."

"OMG!!!" RAY jumsped Fucking 3773 feet into the stratosohere. "but i thot….you loevd edy…"

"I LOEV HIM," bret criese."but we need you ray…..nigts are getinf boring……..threesetviolin is what eveeyone is caling for…."

"NOOO" RAY YELESE very very loud "I CAMLNT I PLAY FUCKING CORRIN OF ALL PEOPLE"

"I HATE YOU" brett says angrily "i cant ebleive i ever saw anythifn in you"

"Guys," Eddy sighs. "I can't see anything at all."

“FUCK you” bert said very very furiously “edy shut teh fuck up i dont like you either”

“Sorry.”

“HOW coudl,you brett-kun,” Ronald shoute d,......”I canot believ you would ever…………….say this shti…”

bret spin saround dramaticaly and his eyes sparkle with unshed tears “omg ray i…….i never should of said that”

"IM SO SORRY BRET," RAE murmurse……"but i must go my time is rubibg out"

"what do you Mean," Brett sobse out even louder than before "i dont understand i am so confused"

“the truthe is…………..”

“HWAT IS THE TRUTH??” BRETt yodels.; “I………………..I CANOT HEAR YOU……..”

"the author….." ray gasps, blood dripping onto the floor…."she's at 1000 words already….she doesn't need me………..Godobye….."..

and with that he vanished…...without a trace……..

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" 🅱️rett cries. "My Preicouse…...NOOO"

"Brett," Eddy says. "Please get me down."

"I'll get you  _ off _ ," Brett snarls, grabbing for an imaginary leg. Then he blinks. No sign of Eddy stuck in the ceiling. No sign of Ray rocketing into the stratosphere. Just Brett laying with his head in Eddy’s lap, the familiar white ceiling of his house staring back at him. He sits up, rubs his eyes; grabs for his glasses, and shucks them on. "What the fuck just happened? I feel like I’ve had a stroke."

"Don't kill me," Eddy chuckles, throws his hands up in mock surrender. "Dude, you just had your wisdom teeth removed. What the hell kind of fever dream did you have?"

"Something about Ray," Brett mutters. "He had a chainsaw. Then we started yelling about Smash mains. I have no idea what happened, but reality started breaking down." 

Eddy's expression clearly says  _ what the fuck, dude _ . Brett hurries to continue. "That's normal, right? Like, tripping off your ass?"

"No," Eddy says, slowly. "But Ray is coming over. For filming. Not...whatever."

"Eddy." Brett shakes his shoulders. “He had a  _ chainsaw _ . What do you not understand?”

“That’s fucking terrifying. Brought you bubble tea, though, so how about you get a sip of that instead?”

“He has a chainsaw.”

“I get it.”

“No, I mean -- HE HAS A CHAINSAW, EDDY, LOOK BEHIND YOU.”

-

Ray did, in fact, have a chainsaw.

**Author's Note:**

> happy april fools fellas! i wrote this in under two hours because i hate myself


End file.
